Andy Gapin

Last night, we got through three movies, which hasn’t happened in a while. Fido was awesome. Imagine The Sandlot if it were a zombie movie…Better yet, imagine crossing Stand By Me with Jurassic Park and replacing the dinosaurs with zombies. The idea of the movie could easily be seen as a follow up to Shaun of the Dead…even though it took place in the 50s. The movie takes place following a huge zombie war that is ended when one man starts a company that helps to return normalcy to peoples’ lives. They fence in the populated areas to keep the zombies out and develop collars that the zombies can wear that will not only curb their thirst for flesh, but also make them domesticated. Because of radiation, all deceased rise to become zombies. The only way to stop this is to decapitate all dead bodies and bury the head in a separate coffin. Or, the deceased can come back as a zombie and be put to work. Only 10% of people end up having funerals, the rest become zombies.

Now for the crappy one…I, Zombie. I had high hopes for this movie. It had been on my list of horror movies to see for a while and I figured that since it was made by Fangoria it would be half decent. No. It was boring as hell. Homeboy decides to try to help some girl that he finds in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere only to find that she is a zombie and wants his flesh. After he gets bit, the rest of the movie chronicles his slow deterioration as the zombigitis spreads throughout him. The entire time he is still alive, so he is not technically a zombie yet, but he finds that he can’t go more than a few days without eating flesh. The movie is filled with semi-pointless flashbacks and dreams that really just confuse you half the time…or maybe I was just confused because I kept falling asleep. There are two masturbation scenes that are just a little more than you bargained for. While you don’t see his wang, you do see his upper body and face as his hand strokes up and down. Leading up to the first scene, you kind of think it might be going there, but you are still shocked to find that it actually does go there. The second time provides one of the only bits of amusement throughout the movie, though I could have done without it, when his body has deteriorated so much that he literally masturbates his wang off. But the makers of this movie felt it completely necessary for him to actually hold the wang up in front of the camera afterwards.

I should also mention that I got emotionally bitch slapped by a fortune cookie earlier in the night. The fortune was “no snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.”